I had known, but I didn't say anything. I ordered cheap tests on ebay.
The post woman dropped them through the letter box, and I plopped down my toddler and peed into a cup - dipping the stick in, holding my breath.
I wouldn't look.. just wait.
there was no need to wait, in an instant - my answer was revealed in a second line
My breath was caught. in a wave of shock there was also the sting of joy rising. My mind spinning - what will i do? this is okay. this will be alright. a little baby... oh baby.
I checked the clock, nearly time to go pick up my daughter from playschool - but quickly, a phone call to a midwife to make sure there was space on her books for a homebirth. I felt like at least if I already handled the midwife stuff telling Steven would be easier - it's under control - we can do this.
The midwife laughed on the phone - as I hadn't even told him yet.
I was still out of breath from the excitement of the test - she congratulated me.. and we hung up - we'd be in touch.
I went out to get Claire, the whole time my mind swirling.. what am I going to say? How will I tell him? What will he think? He's always okay about this stuff.. He'll be fine. I thought about this secret baby inside of me. All mine.. no one else aware.
I came home with my girl - settled here in and started making a card to tell him when he got home from classes..
Finally, he walked in - my belly doing flipflops. I don't know why I was so nervous.
'Congratulations! you're really fertile. (I'm freaking out)' it said.. along with the due month...
I handed him the card, and with that - he already knew. A wave of joy did not wash over his face.. there was no smile. There was a furrowed brow, disappointment really - in himself, in us.. how irresponsible could we be? what will people think? this isn't the right time. how could we be so stupid.
I felt deflated. I had already thought all of these things.. I had already felt that sting of shame - I had already wondered how the fuck I could be so irresponsible. I had already wondered how I'd manage. I had hoped that he would smile, that he would hug me, that he would say 'this is great news, we'll get through this, a baby is never a bad thing'
and he did say that, in time, when he processed it further.
but still.. the underlying feeling was.. shhh.. this isn't really something to celebrate. this is dumb. we are stupid. what the fuck are we doing?!
and then i wiped and saw blood. no no no.. this is it.
i'm losing this baby that i didn't want and then wanted.
i went to get a scan and baby just fine, heart beat and all.. little tiny bean
and the blood stopped.
and then i wiped and saw blood.
this, a few weeks later. back to the hospital for a scan - all good. all well. all just growing along nicely.
nothing to be concerned about. the bleeding maybe just irritated cervix. the end. no more investigation.
Christmas came and went - bleeding was on and off. I had resigned myself to the idea that I was losing this baby many times, so was trying to be careful to just accept things..
12 weeks - when you're 'safe'
so the holidays were upon us, i was bleeding, but i didn't tell anyone really - it was the new normal for this pregnancy.. the scans wouldn't be available in the hospital even if i were to go. i had an appointment coming up with the early pregnancy unit - so i'd just wait.
and I did, and baby was growing right along. kicking and alive. perfectly measuring with my dates.
an injection of anti-d since i was still experiencing bleeding, and on my way
until three days later..