Another statistic
I found myself pregnant with my third baby
It came as a surprise, and yet no surprise at all
I knew all along that I would be pregnant with my third baby in my 27th year. I knew all along that I would conceive when I returned home after a month of being out of the country.
I knew.
but it still came as a shock, and took me a while to wrap my mind around it.
I thought maybe I had prenatal depression
I was feeling miserable in myself, in my body, in sickness, miserable about being miserable when I should have been happy. so much crap wrapped up in the hormones of being pregnant, while still breastfeeding and taking care of older children.
I started to bleed, spotting, at 7 weeks. I went to the hospital to the early pregnancy unit, where all looked well in the womb. No sign of bleeding, no answers to why I might be spotting - perhaps just the hormones, they suggested. I spotted like this for two weeks.
I had a follow up at 9 weeks, at this appointment, I had just stopped spotting, and I got to hear the baby's heart beat for the first time. It was beautiful.. and it really brought me out of the funk of shock and surprise, into a place of protective mama mode- my baby.. that's my baby
I started spotting again at 11 weeks, on Christmas day. it looked the exact same, so I figured all was okay. I called the hospital to see when I could get in, and needed to wait over the holiday weekend for the early pregnancy unit. I thought this was fine, and would go to the emergency room if I started to fully bleed.
When I was 12 weeks I got into the EPU for a scan, baby was so great. moving wildly, arms and legs kicking like mad. the most beautiful music of the heart beat played loud and clear. Placenta posterior and well away from cervix, absolutely perfect, no sign of any bleeding in womb, cervix closed, no sign of anything other than a healthy pregnancy.
13 weeks
spotting started to wane
in the middle of the night on Sunday, I woke with cramps taking my breath. I thought it was strange how strong they were, but thought maybe it was normal stretching/growing cramps. During the day, my belly just felt tender, but I was feeling unwell.
I went to take a nap, and then woke with a migraine, feeling nauseous, and shivering uncontrollably. Unable to get warm, and feeling very miserable. I didn't think I had a temperature, since my forehead felt fine, but I felt so cold inside. I thought maybe if I just rest and drank water, it would pass.
Later, I got up and was feeling dizzy and needed to throw up again. I took my temperature which was 104. My migraine was getting progressively worse and I felt that I really needed help. I called the on call doctors to see if I should go to their clinic, or just go to A&E. The answer was made by hearing the waiting time for the clinic, so my MIL drove me to the emergency room.
I was admitted rather quickly, as they wanted to rule out meningitis with the way my migraine was presenting. I writhed on the bed for hours, unable to get comfortable, my migraine blinding and the pain in my back unbearable. After a while of blood and urine being taken, plenty of vital readings, and a dose of pethidine, I started to be able to relax the tiniest bit - although I still felt very sick and would continue to throw up, go from being very hot to very cold feeling, and was just tired of it all. By around 2:30am they said they would admit me into the maternity ward for monitoring, and I told my husband to go on home, the kids were asleep on and off in the car and they all needed some rest.
I was desperately waiting for the nurse to come back and bring me some medicine for the nausea, and was so grateful once she came. I got a few moments of rest before I felt a sudden warm gush between my legs, it sounded like a water tap had been turned on the way it poured from my legs onto the bed I was laying on. I pressed the call button and the OB came in -- we pulled off my leggings and tried to put a pad on to see what the bleeding was like.
It just kept coming, pouring out of me. my contractions ramped up, lasting around a minute with barely a break to catch my breath. The nurse helped me to stand up to sit on a pot to help pass some of the clots and see how much blood I was losing. Things changed very quickly, and the OB let me know that I was miscarrying, and losing a lot of blood, that they needed to get me into the theatre to perform an ERPC. I tried to call my husband to see if he could come back to the hospital, but I couldn't get through to him.
The anaesthesiologist came in and grilled me on when was the last time I ate or drank water. I signed a form for the surgery, and they started hooking up more IVs and wires onto my chest and back. I was wheeled upstairs to the theatre where the team were waiting for me, they were all so lovely and reassuring. I felt... in shock really. very calm, and also scared that I might continue to bleed, or that they would have to take my womb. I was scared and sad that I didn't get to tell Steven I loved him. I had no idea what would await me when I went under.
I woke up from the surgery and all had gone well. I was brought to a private room on the maternity ward and given some food, and went to sleep.
my husband came with the kids later, and the midwife then was able to let us know that I had had a little boy....
January 5th, 2015 he was born. he was dead.
the moon was full
and under her milky glow, his name was whispered to me
my little Leo Moon
my summer sun
as long as I'm living, my baby he'll be.
It came as a surprise, and yet no surprise at all
I knew all along that I would be pregnant with my third baby in my 27th year. I knew all along that I would conceive when I returned home after a month of being out of the country.
I knew.
but it still came as a shock, and took me a while to wrap my mind around it.
I thought maybe I had prenatal depression
I was feeling miserable in myself, in my body, in sickness, miserable about being miserable when I should have been happy. so much crap wrapped up in the hormones of being pregnant, while still breastfeeding and taking care of older children.
I started to bleed, spotting, at 7 weeks. I went to the hospital to the early pregnancy unit, where all looked well in the womb. No sign of bleeding, no answers to why I might be spotting - perhaps just the hormones, they suggested. I spotted like this for two weeks.
I had a follow up at 9 weeks, at this appointment, I had just stopped spotting, and I got to hear the baby's heart beat for the first time. It was beautiful.. and it really brought me out of the funk of shock and surprise, into a place of protective mama mode- my baby.. that's my baby
I started spotting again at 11 weeks, on Christmas day. it looked the exact same, so I figured all was okay. I called the hospital to see when I could get in, and needed to wait over the holiday weekend for the early pregnancy unit. I thought this was fine, and would go to the emergency room if I started to fully bleed.
When I was 12 weeks I got into the EPU for a scan, baby was so great. moving wildly, arms and legs kicking like mad. the most beautiful music of the heart beat played loud and clear. Placenta posterior and well away from cervix, absolutely perfect, no sign of any bleeding in womb, cervix closed, no sign of anything other than a healthy pregnancy.
13 weeks
spotting started to wane
in the middle of the night on Sunday, I woke with cramps taking my breath. I thought it was strange how strong they were, but thought maybe it was normal stretching/growing cramps. During the day, my belly just felt tender, but I was feeling unwell.
I went to take a nap, and then woke with a migraine, feeling nauseous, and shivering uncontrollably. Unable to get warm, and feeling very miserable. I didn't think I had a temperature, since my forehead felt fine, but I felt so cold inside. I thought maybe if I just rest and drank water, it would pass.
Later, I got up and was feeling dizzy and needed to throw up again. I took my temperature which was 104. My migraine was getting progressively worse and I felt that I really needed help. I called the on call doctors to see if I should go to their clinic, or just go to A&E. The answer was made by hearing the waiting time for the clinic, so my MIL drove me to the emergency room.
I was admitted rather quickly, as they wanted to rule out meningitis with the way my migraine was presenting. I writhed on the bed for hours, unable to get comfortable, my migraine blinding and the pain in my back unbearable. After a while of blood and urine being taken, plenty of vital readings, and a dose of pethidine, I started to be able to relax the tiniest bit - although I still felt very sick and would continue to throw up, go from being very hot to very cold feeling, and was just tired of it all. By around 2:30am they said they would admit me into the maternity ward for monitoring, and I told my husband to go on home, the kids were asleep on and off in the car and they all needed some rest.
I was desperately waiting for the nurse to come back and bring me some medicine for the nausea, and was so grateful once she came. I got a few moments of rest before I felt a sudden warm gush between my legs, it sounded like a water tap had been turned on the way it poured from my legs onto the bed I was laying on. I pressed the call button and the OB came in -- we pulled off my leggings and tried to put a pad on to see what the bleeding was like.
It just kept coming, pouring out of me. my contractions ramped up, lasting around a minute with barely a break to catch my breath. The nurse helped me to stand up to sit on a pot to help pass some of the clots and see how much blood I was losing. Things changed very quickly, and the OB let me know that I was miscarrying, and losing a lot of blood, that they needed to get me into the theatre to perform an ERPC. I tried to call my husband to see if he could come back to the hospital, but I couldn't get through to him.
The anaesthesiologist came in and grilled me on when was the last time I ate or drank water. I signed a form for the surgery, and they started hooking up more IVs and wires onto my chest and back. I was wheeled upstairs to the theatre where the team were waiting for me, they were all so lovely and reassuring. I felt... in shock really. very calm, and also scared that I might continue to bleed, or that they would have to take my womb. I was scared and sad that I didn't get to tell Steven I loved him. I had no idea what would await me when I went under.
I woke up from the surgery and all had gone well. I was brought to a private room on the maternity ward and given some food, and went to sleep.
my husband came with the kids later, and the midwife then was able to let us know that I had had a little boy....
January 5th, 2015 he was born. he was dead.
the moon was full
and under her milky glow, his name was whispered to me
my little Leo Moon
my summer sun
as long as I'm living, my baby he'll be.