The body remembers
just as my bones remember what it took to become a gateway to The Divine
expanding and moving way
flesh soft, and blood thumping
the trinity of skull yet fused
slipping with effortless ease
down into waiting hands
my fingers remember the holiest of silk velveteen
of a babe between two worlds
not here nor there
no earthly air yet into their lungs
born baptised from womb water to warm water.
just as my breasts remember the first cries
the eager mouth
the golden nectar spilled forth
my body has been a witness to the darkest ache of trying to conceive
it has been the vessel of life and goddess unfurling
it has been born again, thrice.. as this body travelled to the underworld. to stand on the threshold of life and death
and bring a babe back, with a newly born mother
The body remembers
as each day brings me further away from the final day I carried him within me
my blood begins to wane ever so slowly
yet any time my thoughts turn to him, my womb weeps a little bit more
mondays are now heavy with memory.
and yesterday was no different
my mind swirls with all that could have been, would have been, and what is not. it swirls with what will be and how to move forward
but the body remembers
and so my back began to ache
and i felt that distinct feeling of slithery warm blood and clots pouring out of me in the emergency room
and how i could actually hear it, like a water tap turned on, pouring from between my legs, through my clothes, onto the bed.
and then the slither of it all, while i tried to hold it all in unsuccessfully, life escaped and collapsed from my womb into a puddle on the floor
with that, my blood returns
my lower back gives an awful ache
and cramps find their way to my belly
the body remembers, it mourns and processes this grief in it’s own accord
rebirthing, constantly.. trying to make an understanding about it all
there’s a baby in the ground that should be in my body.
and so, when my body remembers, especially on mondays
i set the stage for his birth.
lighting the candles and drawing the hot bath
filling a muslin cloth with healing herbs
stepping in and surrendering
i place my hands over my womb in mudra, blessing it
breathing deeply into it
letting my body be born and baptised all over again
offering up, and mending the way he was born
blessing the only space in which he ever lived.
right here, in this body.
the body remembers.