I started taking antidepressants, I'm about a week in and starting to feel the lift
but it also is weird to me, because it dulls out the reality and rawness of what i know i would be feeling right now.
the can't breathe, can't wake up, can't mother, can't partner, can't recognize myself in the mirror. so many things going on in my life right now, the miscarriage is just a muddled pile in with it.
i would have been 39 weeks yesterday, but i wouldn't give birth until 42 weeks, as always. and now, with being medicated for the next coming month or two, i wonder how i will experience it all. feel it all. honour it all. without the raw emotions and reality. to do justice to what we have been through, this babe and me.
i woke up today and feel like i'm surviving right now, giving myself exactly what i need to so i can be here and mother my kids, mother myself, love my man. so i am not floating in between, out of my body, watching my children grow as an outsider looking in a fogged over window. like i'm not missing out on this precious time with them while they are wee things growing so fast. up up and away from me.
the day is dreary, and it's the first day in a long time that i don't feel like i'm stuck in the mud with it. it feels... level and normal while it's miserable out and the kids are fighting. i actually feel okay.
but it also is weird to me, because it dulls out the reality and rawness of what i know i would be feeling right now.
the can't breathe, can't wake up, can't mother, can't partner, can't recognize myself in the mirror. so many things going on in my life right now, the miscarriage is just a muddled pile in with it.
i would have been 39 weeks yesterday, but i wouldn't give birth until 42 weeks, as always. and now, with being medicated for the next coming month or two, i wonder how i will experience it all. feel it all. honour it all. without the raw emotions and reality. to do justice to what we have been through, this babe and me.
i woke up today and feel like i'm surviving right now, giving myself exactly what i need to so i can be here and mother my kids, mother myself, love my man. so i am not floating in between, out of my body, watching my children grow as an outsider looking in a fogged over window. like i'm not missing out on this precious time with them while they are wee things growing so fast. up up and away from me.
the day is dreary, and it's the first day in a long time that i don't feel like i'm stuck in the mud with it. it feels... level and normal while it's miserable out and the kids are fighting. i actually feel okay.