I was going to write something else today, about healing and shit.
and then the post came while my boy slept, I poured a cup of tea and started reading through the hospital notes that I requested
and then the pages finally, towards the end, came with my blood tests - showing very high readings for infection.
and the page that lists this tiny baby's weight and measurements... that there are no abnormalities. that he is.. he was. so fucking perfect.
and i think about how high the infection reads in the blood and urine tests
and i'm so fucking pissed off. obviously i have no idea if anything would have been any different. but what if they would have taken my blood and urine and tested it when i first presented with spotting at 7 weeks, at 9 weeks, at 12?
would they have seen an infection, and i would have taken an antibiotic, and be 21 weeks pregnant today?
i think about that 12 week scan, where he was so alive. and moving, and those little limbs going wild. how i felt when i saw that baby on the screen, my baby... that's my baby. my heart welling with pride and love.
his heart beat singing in the room for a few seconds
just a week later his world came crashing down. was he suffering from my body fighting an infection? my temperature spiked so high that night that i went to a&e..did he die then? did my body kill this little baby because it was under so much strain to fight an infection that could have been treated?
i'll never know
could i have advocated for myself and my baby better, and demanded some tests to know why i was spotting, besides the ultrasound which showed all was fine?
instead there will always be this gap, where a baby boy should have been.
and then the post came while my boy slept, I poured a cup of tea and started reading through the hospital notes that I requested
and then the pages finally, towards the end, came with my blood tests - showing very high readings for infection.
and the page that lists this tiny baby's weight and measurements... that there are no abnormalities. that he is.. he was. so fucking perfect.
and i think about how high the infection reads in the blood and urine tests
and i'm so fucking pissed off. obviously i have no idea if anything would have been any different. but what if they would have taken my blood and urine and tested it when i first presented with spotting at 7 weeks, at 9 weeks, at 12?
would they have seen an infection, and i would have taken an antibiotic, and be 21 weeks pregnant today?
i think about that 12 week scan, where he was so alive. and moving, and those little limbs going wild. how i felt when i saw that baby on the screen, my baby... that's my baby. my heart welling with pride and love.
his heart beat singing in the room for a few seconds
just a week later his world came crashing down. was he suffering from my body fighting an infection? my temperature spiked so high that night that i went to a&e..did he die then? did my body kill this little baby because it was under so much strain to fight an infection that could have been treated?
i'll never know
could i have advocated for myself and my baby better, and demanded some tests to know why i was spotting, besides the ultrasound which showed all was fine?
instead there will always be this gap, where a baby boy should have been.