Grief.
it came rushing in to my open mouth like a fly
unexpected and hard to swallow
these rituals and ways we work through
healing the holes with flower seeds
and leaving the past in the past, blooming into new seasons
little remnants and reminders, as we keep them with us
but then.. out of nowhere
the glimpse of his tiny body in a black and white scan
his heart beat recorded there on a trace…
there he was… he lived. Right there. Inside me.
and he was perfect.
I was the only one that witnessed his legs kicking
just days before I went into labour
miscarrying.
what an ugly word….
it looks like the fault is with the carrier. They mis-did something. Did it wrong.
and so they no longer carry.
it just feels so weird
to suddenly feel that ache constricted in my throat
for him.
for that tiny baby in my palm.
because I did all my rituals. And I moved on.. and I loved him. And I loved me. And I loved what he brought to me.. and I love this baby that I have now, because.. without that sequence of events I would not be who I am right now.. and I would not have what I have right now.. and… it just is. The way it is.
it came rushing in to my open mouth like a fly
unexpected and hard to swallow
these rituals and ways we work through
healing the holes with flower seeds
and leaving the past in the past, blooming into new seasons
little remnants and reminders, as we keep them with us
but then.. out of nowhere
the glimpse of his tiny body in a black and white scan
his heart beat recorded there on a trace…
there he was… he lived. Right there. Inside me.
and he was perfect.
I was the only one that witnessed his legs kicking
just days before I went into labour
miscarrying.
what an ugly word….
it looks like the fault is with the carrier. They mis-did something. Did it wrong.
and so they no longer carry.
it just feels so weird
to suddenly feel that ache constricted in my throat
for him.
for that tiny baby in my palm.
because I did all my rituals. And I moved on.. and I loved him. And I loved me. And I loved what he brought to me.. and I love this baby that I have now, because.. without that sequence of events I would not be who I am right now.. and I would not have what I have right now.. and… it just is. The way it is.